


Don't Let Me Go

by fyeahlivelaughlove



Category: SKAM (Spain)
Genre: Bisexual Character, Bisexual Female Character, Canon Bisexual Character, Canon Lesbian Relationship, Children, F/F, Lesbian Character, rape mentioned, suicide mentioned, will change warnings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-25
Updated: 2019-08-22
Packaged: 2020-07-19 17:48:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,051
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19978054
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fyeahlivelaughlove/pseuds/fyeahlivelaughlove
Summary: After five years, a lot has changed. Their lives are not the same and, in reality, they could never be.





	1. Back to You

Joana hadn’t walked these streets in almost five years. Everything looked the same but everything felt different. She could not really explain it, and she was not really sure she wanted to, but while the streets were the same, she definitely wasn’t. 

The 17-year-old Joana who once roamed these streets at different hours of day looking to discover every little thing about it, to find anything that could make her life worth living. The same Joana that had made the most beautiful memories in these streets, with _her_. That Joana was long gone. Lost in the abrupt change her life suffered. She could barely look at her father still. He had removed her from everything that was making her go on. He took away her friends, the nice streets, the packed bars and even the lousy beer. But mostly, he took _her_ away, and that was something she would probably never forgive him for. Deep inside her, she understood he had to do it. She had known Madrid was temporary and that eventually they’d have to leave again. But after meeting her, she hoped they would stick around for a couple more years and then she could live there by herself. 

They only gave her one year. The best year of her life, but only one year. Her heart still ached when she remembered. Even though she spent countless hours trying to make herself forget. She wasn’t really sure she would ever forget. To be truthful she didn’t want to.

It was probably the hardest thing she had ever done in her short life, but she was sure it would continue to classify as the hardest for many years to come. And her parents realized just how hard it would be to Joana a little too late. In the beginning, Joana’s façade was kept up. She acted like she was okay with moving back to Argentina and that she was glad that she was there. That she was ready to start over. That her break-up with Cris had been by mutual agreement and that the fact they decided not to keep in touch was the best for the both of them, as they didn’t know when and if Joana would ever return to Madrid. She went to therapy to keep her parents happy and to stop them from bugging her, seeing as she was doing okay. Joana was everything but. It had been about 3 months since their arrival to Argentina when things went downhill. The loneliness Joana felt couldn’t be mended no matter how hard she tried to make new friends. No one understood her or took the time to and truth be told she didn’t to get attached to anyone for fear of having to move again. So her days were spent within her mind and that’s what led to a call from the hospital to her parents saying she had tried to take her life. Again. From that point on, her parents decided to admit her to an institution specialized in cases like her – people with BPD – and where she could finish her education. She had complied as she really had nothing else to live for and she did finish high school within two years of being there – apparently things were very slow-paced there. She was discharged as soon as she graduated and, not really knowing what she wanted to do with her life, she started working at a music store near her house. It was great for a couple of years until she’d had enough and finally pluck up the courage to once again leave everything behind and fly to Madrid. Her parents although weary of her decision, knew that this would be the best for Joana. And that’s how she flew to Madrid, to attend an Art School that she had heard about when she lived there.

Her thoughts were interrupted when she felt something, or rather someone, hit her legs. She stumbled a bit and was fast enough to prevent the little girl that had stumbled into her from falling.

“Hey, hey, kiddo. What's wrong?” she worriedly lifted the little girl in her arms and probably a stab wound to her heart would’ve hurt less. 

The girl looked up at her and her big blue eyes bore into Joana’s dull brown ones. Was the world actually this cruel? Had she been this terrible of a person to deserve this? She quickly composed herself when she felt the little girl wiggle in her arms, signaling that she wanted to be put down. She did so.

“Are you okay?” she asked the, what she assumed, three year old child. She couldn’t really be older than that, but Joana didn’t have that much of an experience with kids.  
The little blue-eyed, blonde-haired girl cheekily smiled and nodded and Joana’s heart completely ripped apart in her chest. She reminded her so much of _her_. She sighed.

“What's your name? Are you lost?” She asked, crouching down to the child’s level, concern suddenly filling her body as no adult that seemed to be looking for a child was around.

“My name is Joana Sofía, but mamá calls me only Sofía”, she replied, quite eloquently for a three year old. The older Joana smiled softly, “My name is also Joana!” She said to the girl, which made Sofía smile happily. “Well then, Sofía, where is your mamá?”

Joana didn’t really had to wait long for an answer, thankfully, but she really wished it hadn’t happened like it did.

“Joana Sofía Soto Bianchi, te lo juro! If you ever run from me again!” Joana froze. She had seen it in the movies and read it in the novels she used to envelop herself in. That moment when the person’s whole world stops, triggered by something or someone, but she always thought that was an actual exaggeration of reality. Turns out it wasn’t. Joana didn’t know if she was even breathing as she lifted her head to look at the owner of the voice. No. It couldn’t be real. Now her brain was finally fucked up and was making her see things. That was most likely the case. Because Cristina Soto could not be in her presence calling after a little girl that looked a little too much like her.

She got out of the trance when Sofía ran and hid herself behind Joana, hugging her legs to prevent her mom from reaching her. Cris seemed to be as taken aback as Joana did at that moment. When their eyes finally met, their hearts sped up at the exact same time. Joana couldn’t believe her eyes. A clearly more mature Cris was standing in front of her, wearing a pink hoodie that ended just above her mid-thigh and black leggings, a bag hanging from her shoulder and her long, blonde hair in a pony-tail, like Joana had seen so many times. She was wearing her glasses – new ones, Joana noticed – and she looked so tired, but still she looked so much like her Cris. Cris’ mind was reeling and she wanted to run and hide as she took in Joana’s appearance, so much alike but at the same time so different from the Joana she used to know, more mature but also more serious, even more guarded. Her jean jacket standing out in the mesh of grey and black Joana was wearing. Could that still be the same jacket?

“Joana,” came in the form of a sigh from Cristina’s lips, “Is this real?” And Joana really wished she could answer that question but the truth was, she didn’t know what to reply. She didn’t know what was real and what wasn’t.

Joana didn’t have time to answer because Sofía made herself known, “Mamá, girl from pictures! But hair is not purple!” Cris’ eyes almost jumped out of their sockets and she cursed whoever made her child so perceptive.

A ghost of a smile reached Joana’s lips. Had Cris showed her to her daughter? Sofía wouldn’t be able to recognize her if Cris hadn’t.

“You are too smart for your own good, Sofía. You clearly didn’t take after your mamá”, Joana jokes, smiling at the little girl and something inside her snaps, as her mind finally registers that this kid wasn’t just Cris’. And Joana swears she didn’t want to; she had been keeping herself controlled, taking her meds and not lashing out, but all these feelings are making her feel too overwhelmed and she could just feel it. Her eyes become darker and the smile leaves her face and Cris seems to still know her very well, because as soon as she looks at Joana, her eyes show worry, “Joana?”

“It didn’t take you long to forget me, huh? She’s what, three? You didn’t lose anytime. You just went and probably got knocked up by some random dude, huh?.” Her breathing had picked up the moment she had the realization and her whole body was actually burning with anger and Joana didn’t like to feel this way, especially not when it involved Cris, but she couldn’t help it. She’s back to biting her black nails and she tries to calm herself down but she can’t and Cristina talking seems to make it worse.

“Joana, stop. Please stop,” Sofía was looking between her mom and Joana, not really sure what was happening and why Joana had stopped smiling.

“Does the truth hurt, Cris?”, and she’s back to running her hands through her hair, her breathing uneven and Cris is taken back to that park, their park and to the time Joana first lashed out on her. Only now, Cris couldn’t be that teenage girl fighting back, because there’s one very important variable in the equation that is her life.

“Not in front of Sofía, por favor. Not in front of her”, Cris pleads, her eyes watering, not wanting her daughter to realize that something was wrong. But Joana was so in her crisis that she didn’t even hear what she had said.

“Just like that? You’re still a fucking spoiled child,” she yells, making both Cris and Sofía jump, surprised.

“Joana!” That was the last straw. Cris picks Sofía up and turns to leave while the child starts crying in her arms due to Joana’s screams. Cristina tries to sooth her, bribing her with an ice cream while she walks and turns her head around to give a death glare to Joana, who suddenly seemed to have softened up seeing the little girl cry. She hadn’t meant it. She really hadn’t, but the thought of Cris with someone else was too much for her. However, she couldn’t have Cris mad at her, not now when she had just found her again. That’s what she thought as she ran after them.

“Cris, please. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry”. She say as she touches the blonde girl’s arm, making Sofía whimper and tuck her head in her mother’s neck. Cris stops and looks at Joana. Her eyes angry, but Joana can see a glimpse of something else there, she just isn’t sure if it’s good or not. She adjusts Sofía in a way that she’s now holding her with only one arm, while the other reaches for her pocket, grabs her phone and unlocks it. “Put your number in. I’ll call you whenever I feel like seeing you again”.

And that’s when Joana realizes things really are different and they’ve grown up, because old Cris would’ve just ran and left Joana behind, but this one is still willing to talk to her and Joana knows she has to take this opportunity, so she quickly grabs Cris’ phone, looking at the background where there’s a picture of the two blonde girls in front of her, so alike, smiling so hard, not really facing the camera, and Joana’s heart warms. She is smiling while she puts her phone in, saving it simply as ‘Joana’, returning the phone to Cris with apology written all over her face.

“I’m sorry for yelling, Sofía. I didn’t mean to, okay?” The little girl looks up at her and the sight of her teary eyes breaks Joana’s heart. Her fucking temper! Always causing damage. “Can you forgive me?”, her eyes mimic a puppy dog wanting a treat and Sofía dries her tears and releases her arms from her mother’s neck, turning them to Joana, signaling wanting to be picked up and Joana quickly complies, not without checking first with Cris, who gives her a nod.

“I forgive but no yelling at mamá, okay?”, she’s in Joana’s lap, face to face, looking at her and pointing a finger at her in a way that makes Joana want to laugh, but she refrains from doing so and nods, “Never again! I promise!” Sofía seems satisfied enough with Joana’s promise and reaches for her mom, who picks her up. Joana looks at Cris once more, apologizing silently through her facial expression and Cris sighs, closing her eyes for a brief second before looking at Joana, “I can no longer think of myself only, Joana. She’s my number one priority and I can’t subject her to this, okay? I’ll give you a call sometime, and we’ll schedule something”.

Joana nods, “I will be waiting. I will control myself, I promise. I am so sorry, Cris. I’m better. I swear. I don’t know what happened, but it won’t happen again”. Cris nods and walks the opposite direction towards what Joana assumes is the path to her house. She runs her hands through her hair again, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath, her mind still reeling from everything that had occurred in the last hour.

 _Welcome back to Madrid, Joana_ , she thinks.


	2. Him

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: SENSITIVE SUBJECTS.

Joana arrived excessively early to the coffee shop Cris had mentioned to her when she had called, but she couldn’t contain her anxiety. After two weeks of doing practically nothing except wait for a call from Cris – well, she did start attending her classes at the art school – the blonde woman had finally called her and scheduled a date and place for the both of them to meet up and talk about everything. Joana had been waiting for approximately 43 minutes – not that she was counting – when the door of the coffee shop opened and a gorgeous blonde woman dressed in jeans and a cute dark-blue hoodie came in and made Joana’s heartbeat defy the limits of speed.

Cris looked around for a few seconds until she spotted Joana and the brunette woman could see her take a deep breath before moving towards the table she was sat at.

“Hi,” is the greeting she offers Joana while she sits down in front of her. She pushed the sleeves of her hoodie up a bit, because the place was warmer than outside.

Joana takes a bit to recollect herself and finally greets Cris back, “Holi!” she says a bit overly excited. Cris smiles softly. They stare at each other for a few seconds, not knowing what to say, until Joana finally breaks their silence, “Thank you so much for calling, Cris. I really wanted to apologize for everything that happened”. Cris looks down and sighs, “It’s okay,” she offers Joana, looking up and meeting the eyes that made – still make – her heart race.

“Hm, it’s not really okay. I’m really sorry. I shouldn’t have gone off on you like that, specially not in front of Sofía, but I think the whole seeing you again messed up my brain even more,” Cris nods, understandingly, she knows how the fact of feeling overwhelmed could affect Joana, she had witnessed it many times in the year they were together. “I’ve been better. I’ve been taking my medicine and going to therapy, but I had only arrived two days prior and I hadn't sorted things out with my old therapist”, she offers the explanation.

“It’s okay, Joana. I understand. I just didn’t want Sofía to be subjected to that, that’s why I turned around, otherwise I would’ve talked back for sure.” The corners of her mouth twitch up a bit, Joana can see the ghost of a smile, and that relieves her a bit. Cris is not mad at her, which is good.

“Hm,” Joana is hesitant, but Cristina’s curious look makes her proceed, “I know we scheduled to meet here, but I would be more comfortable with talking in an open space, but maybe with more privacy?” Cris frowns, not really understanding Joana, but the raven-haired girl continues, “Maybe the park or something, I feel like people are too close and I won’t feel comfortable talking about serious issues here.” Cris immediately understands Joana’s reasoning and agrees with her. She nods and they both get up at the same time, Cris moving towards the door while Joana goes to pay the coffee she drank – _well that is a step up from another time they first met up at a bar, when they left without paying –_ she smiles fondly at the memory of the moment that preceded their first kiss. She shakes her head, she really should not be thinking of that right now. Soon, Joana reaches her and Cris can tell she is very nervous, with the way her hands are in her pockets and her breathing is uneven. Cris does not judge her; she is probably equally as nervous, being this close to Joana again after not seeing her for so long.

They walk the short distance from the coffee to the park and Cris thinks that maybe Joana premeditated all of this, because they do not take more than 5 minutes to reach their destination. They walk mostly in silence and Cris has a few minutes to sort out her thoughts. Joana does the same. It is nice being in each other’s presence, there is still the underlying feeling of calmness that comes with being in each other’s presence, even if they are nervous wrecks right now.

They enter the park and see a nice, secluded, area of grass where they choose to sit, like they had done so many times before, not caring about getting their clothes dirty. They sit not really facing each other but not side by side, the weird position they’re in allows them to not be fully exposed to each other but, at the same time, they can still easily direct their attention to the other if needed to. It is comfortable for both and that is enough.

Cris clearly has changed, because she is the one that initiates the conversation, or maybe it is just her curiousness getting the best of her, “So, what brings you back to Madrid after all this time?”

Joana looks anywhere but at Cris, “Hm, I decided to move here. I’m attending an Art School.” She keeps it short; she is not sure how much Cris wants to know about her life.

“Art school? That’s amazing, Joana”. Cris’ voice sounds so genuine that Joana feels like crying. Maybe not everything was lost. “Tell me more. How did you get in? How did you decide?” Her urge to know more warms Joana’s heart and she smiles, more genuinely than she has smiled in the last five years.

“Well… you know I began doing more sketches since the Instagram page, right?” She pauses and looks at Cris for confirmation that she remembers, she gets it when Cris nods. “Hm, I continued sketching more and more. It helped me take my mind off of things, I guess?” Joana is struggling to speak in a way that does not go too deep on how she felt while in Argentina, but she’s sure she won’t be able to avoid the subject for long.

“So you decided that’s something you would like to do? To make a living off of it?” Cris questioned, seeming genuinely interested. She wants to know how Joana’s life had been like and if her hopes and dreams had changed. She wants to know everything possible, but she can’t show it, not when she doesn’t know how Joana’s life was at the moment.

“Yes, hm. I-“ She’s having a hard time speaking and Cris notices this, “It’s okay if you don’t want to tell me everything, I’ll understand.” Joana shakes her head.

“No, I want to tell you. I just need to sort out my thoughts.” Cris smiles softly in understanding before Joana surprises her by continuing, “Hm, I had a really bad time when I moved back. You know how angry I was at having to go with them. Having to leave everything behind,” _having to leave you_ , that is what she wants to say but doesn’t. She knows she has to tell her. She deserves to know, but still it makes her heart race and not in the best way. She had promised her she wouldn’t and she broke her promise. Cris seems to know something serious is coming, because she keeps a straight face and Joana has a feeling she already knows what she’s about to say. She takes a deep breath and speaks again, “I-, well, uh, for the first three months everything was fairly okay, I did everything correctly to keep my parents off my back. I took my medicine and went to therapy, but everything else was a mess and they didn’t realize. In school, I couldn’t make friends. No one took the time to understand me, no one wanted. But I pretended and told my parents I had friends. I didn’t want friends. Not when they could be taken away from me like you guys were.” Her voice is a bit choked up and Cris’ hand being placed on top of hers is not doing anything to prevent her from crying. But Cris’ eyes show pure compassion and maybe a little something else and she doesn’t want to get hopeful, but _maybe… just maybe…_ , “Hm, well. I spent too much time in my head and one day I decided to end it all. To make it easier for everyone. To make it easier for me.” Cris is gasping as soon as she finishes her first sentence, “Joana, you promised.” And she knows she shouldn’t say that, but it’s the first thing out of her mouth. Joana’s head dropping is a confirmation that she should have just kept her mouth shut. _Idiota, Cris. You’re an idiot._ She gently tightens her grip on the other woman’s hand, making her look up, “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said –“

Joana interrupts her, “No. You’re right. I promised you I wouldn’t ever again and I broke that promise. But… I felt so helpless, Cris. I had no one. You still had your life here and the girls and your friends, and I know it was hard for you too, I know that; but I had no one. I didn’t know if I would ever see you again. I’m sorry.” A few tears stream down Joana’s face and Cris is quick to wipe them with her thumb, gently. “No, please don’t cry. I understand. I’m so sorry I couldn’t be there for you.” Joana shrugs, “It’s okay. You couldn’t have known. Shortly after that, I was admitted to a sort of school-clinic? Well, it was a place for messed up kids like me. Kind of like a boarding high school for crazy kids”

“You’re not crazy, Joana. Don’t say that.” Cris begs. She never liked Joana talking bad about herself.

Joana shakes her head, “At the time I felt like it. It was hard for the first few months. I know that my parents did it for my own good and I did thank them for doing that after I left. But it was hard, I thought they had abandoned me, you know?” She looks to Cris for validation, “Yes, I understand and I’m so sorry you felt like that. But did you finish school? How long were you there?”

Joana softly smiles at Cris’ curiosity, “I was there for two years. Everything was very slow-paced there, I guess. I did finish school and they let me out soon after. I wanted to get my life together. I wanted to get better, that’s when I decided I wanted to find a job, maybe get some money and leave Argentina. My heart wasn’t there.” The implication makes both their hearts immediately stop and accelerate ever so fast. They both know what she was talking about. Or better yet, who. “So I found a job at a record store. It was nice. I could be around music at all times, which was a plus. And it worked for me for a couple of years. I received the letter of acceptance to this school about three months ago. Cris, you have no idea how happy I was when it arrived!” Cris’ smile reflects Joana’s wide one.

“And here you are. How are you liking it? Classes I mean?” Cris asks, trying to avoid talking about herself.

Joana nods before she speaks, “I only had two weeks of classes, but I love it. I really think I’ve found something I’m really good at. It’s not the main reason why I came, but it was something I really wanted.”

“I’m so happy for you, Jo. I really am. You seem happy, that makes me happy.” They both smile at each other, their hearts warm and butterflies flying through their entire bodies. They can communicate so much just by looking at each other. Joana doesn’t want to get too caught up in that feeling, she’s had enough disappointments to last her a lifetime, so she turns the game around, “And you? How is your life?”

Cris looks down, their moment lost. She feels sad and scared. She doesn’t know what to tell her. _How_ to tell her.

“Hm, I’m good. I’ve been working and raising that little devil.” She doesn’t elaborate and hopes Joana doesn’t push. She’s not that lucky.

“Well, yes. Now you’re mamá Cris, not party girl Cris anymore, huh?” Joana tries to joke with the situation, but there’s bitterness in her voice and Cris notices. She feels compelled to apologize, Joana doesn’t let her, “I mean, how did that happen? It’s crazy to think you have a child now.” Cristina looks down. Her heart is racing and she has removed her hand from Joana’s. She feels so guilty and she knows she shouldn’t, but she does. Her silence makes Joana want to know more. She knows Cris is hiding something.

She sighs, “Joder Cris, I know we said we wouldn’t wait and that I overreacted that day at the park, but damn. I wasn’t even gone for a year before you got pregnant,” Joana was always the most insecure of the two, mainly because of her illness and at that moment she was not trying to blame Cris nor she was angry with her. She was simply afraid that everything they had lived hadn’t meant the same to Cris. That Joana was not as important to Cris as Cris was to her. And she knew it was her illness taking over and making her this insecure, but she had to know, “Was I really that easy to forget?” Her voice breaks and she looks at Cris and can see her struggling, her blue eyes looking everywhere except at her and she frowns, afraid of the answer Cris has for her. She was always the intense one; the one who felt the most, in every other relationship she’d had, so her mind fully convinced her that Cris hadn’t felt for her what she had felt for Cris. However, nothing could have prepared her for what came out of Cris’ mouth.

“I was raped,” and suddenly Joana was sure a truck had hit her hard. Her mind goes wild, she swears her heart is literally in pieces and she cannot believe what she had just heard; but Cris’, _her Cris_ ’ hard face, pursed lips and watering eyes were enough for her to move and try to hug the blonde girl, just like she had done so many times to comfort her. Cris, not expecting it and still fearful of human touch retreats until it registers in her brain that it was Joana, _her Joana_ , and she falls into her embrace, finally sobbing in to the arms she’d wanted to hold her for so long.

Joana’s mind is everywhere and she can’t focus on anything else other than holding Cris as tight as she can. How was it possible? Her Cris going through this. Never had her heart been broken so bad. She keeps her arms around Cris as the girl sobs and she presses light kisses to her forehead. They stay like that for probably fifteen minutes until she feels Cris calm down and her breathing get less irregular. “I’m so sorry, Cris. I’m so sorry.” Cris is still in her arms and she holds on to Joana for dear life and that breaks Joana’s heart even more. She didn’t deserve this. Cris did not deserve any of this.

After a few more minutes, she feels Cris loosen her arms and she immediately loosens hers, so that Cris doesn’t feel trapped. Cris looks up and she looks so frail. Joana gently touches both sides of her face, a hand pressed to each cheek and her thumbs wipe Cris’ tear-stained face, mimicking what Cris had done to her a while ago. Cris looks down, embarrassed by the situation, “I’m sorry for getting your shirt all wet. And for having a breakdown.” Joana shakes her head, “My God, Cris. You have nothing to apologize for, baby. Nothing.” They clearly notice Joana’s slip up, but they both choose not to talk about it. “I’m so sorry you had to go through all of that. I’m sorry I wasn’t here for you.”

“You couldn’t have known. You probably couldn’t have prevented it either. It was mostly my fault, in the end.” Cris shrugs and Joana feels so sad inside, “No, Cris. It was not your fault. None of it. Please, don’t feel like you’re the one to blame. It’s the bastard’s fault. Not yours. None of it is your fault, Cris.”

Cris nods, she had gone through this with her psychologist and with the girls, but Joana saying it means so much more to her. Joana is not blaming her for anything and she feels so thankful. She was so afraid of what the raven-haired girl would think, how disappointed she would be.

“In a way it was, Joana,” Joana tries to speak, to debate, but Cris raises her hand so that Joana lets her finish, “I was completely lost after you left, Joana. Everything went downhill. School, family… Everything, except for the girls. I partied so much more. Drinking made me forget.” She confesses and Joana understands. “I went to parties so often. Every single weekend. I would skip classes and as soon as I got home, mom would get on my nerves. I knew she was worried and didn’t know how to deal with me. But it would only make me angrier and probably more depressed. I had a really rough time too.” Joana reaches for her, side hugging her, letting Cris rest her head on her shoulder while the girl talks about everything that happened after Joana left.

“It got better before it got way worse. I think it was around the time of what would have been our two-year anniversary. It got so bad I was going to parties without the girls, to places I didn’t know, with people I didn’t know. I was so fucking reckless. And it happened one night.” She stops to collect herself and Joana’s soft touch tells her she doesn’t have to continue, but she wants to. “I was dancing with him, having a nice time and he led me to a slightly hidden place in the parking lot we were at, I was very drunk and couldn’t care less that I let him take me there. He started getting touchy and I didn’t want to. I hadn’t been with anyone since you left. I told him ‘no’ several times, but he didn’t listen.” Joana’s grip on her tightens in a comforting way and tears once again make their way down Cris’ face. “I didn’t tell anyone.” Joana makes her lift her head and looks at Cris frowning. “I didn’t want anyone to know. I thought it was my fault and that they would judge me for it. I was wrong though. I pushed everyone away. I didn’t talk to anyone, I was going to class but I didn’t pay attention. I didn’t leave my room. Amira was the first one to know. She had to be rough with me for me to actually say what was wrong and, my god, she was so supportive, she helped me so much. She didn’t judge me, she understood me and tried to help in every way possible, but it had been more than two months and I couldn’t and didn’t want to do anything about it. I just wanted to forget. And I did for a while.”

Joana is curious now, she wants to know what happened to Cris, what the people around her did and how and if they helped her.

“I had a big fight with my parents one day. Dani was there too. And it just sort of came out. Mom cried, dad was pissed and Dani wanted to go after him. After that, I told the rest of the girls and my parents told me they thought I should see a psychologist, and I did. I filed a complaint. Not soon after, things got worse again. I was four months along when I found out. That I was pregnant, I mean.” She takes a deep breath, “I couldn’t do anything about it by then. I couldn’t legally abort and I didn’t want to risk going to a sketchy place. So I went through with it. Everyone helped me but my parents at the time. And that’s how I got my baby girl.” Cris doesn’t want to go into further detail and Joana understands. They had had enough for one day.

“She’s been asking about you, you know?” Joana looks at her, confused. “Sofía,” Cris clarifies, “She keeps asking where you are”. Joana smiles fondly, “We should bring her here some time, there’s a nice playground here, and we could have tons of fun!” Joana offers and Cris nods, feeling much lighter than she has felt in years. Maybe everything would be okay in the end.


	3. Go

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> barely proofread. i'm sorry xD

****

They are at _their_ park, sitting on a bench, side by side, attentively watching as Sofía calls to them so they can see her slide down the tiny, age-appropriate, slide in the playground.

“That was amazing, Sofí! In no time you’ll be able to go to the big kids’ slide!” Joana cheers, clapping at the little girl, who claps back happily, but the woman suddenly stops as she notices Cris is looking at her with her right eyebrow raised. Joana quickly looks back at Sofia, “Maybe in a couple years, yeah, chiquita?” And she side-eyes Cris and sees her nodding in approval.

She turns to Cris, looking at her in adoration, “You’re a great mom, do you know that?” Cris is pissed because she can feel the heat in her cheeks and knows she is blushing, exactly the same way that made Joana tease her for the entirety of their relationship. She ducks her head in order to hide the blush from Joana, but it’s already too late and Joana puts a gentle finger under her chin and lifts her head, “I’m very serious.”

Cris doesn’t know what else to do and can’t seem to move her eyes away from Joana’s, “Thank you,” is the only reply she has for the brunette girl, “she actually makes it very easy for me.”

Joana smiles, “Yes, I can tell she’s incredibly smart for her age and very perceptive.” Cris nods in agreement, that is her daughter, yes. “A little too perceptive…” Cris giggles understanding the implication of Joana’s comment. She knows the brunette is talking about the fact that her daughter had recognized Joana when she’d only seen her in pictures. Once again, she is blushing.

“I love it when you get like this, it’s one of the things I missed the most,” Joana’s brain clearly didn’t get the memo that she should take things slowly with Cris. The atmosphere between them changes and Joana slaps herself mentally for not being able to keep her feelings in check.

Cris breaks their eye contact to look at Sofía, who is running towards them, “Mamá, mamá, push me on the swing, please?” Before Cris can get up or even respond to Sofía, Joana is on her feet, “Can I do it, chiquita?” Sofía is elated and Cris still cannot figure out the adoration Sofía has for Joana when she only met her a couple of times, “Yes! Joana push me! Okay, mama?” she looks at her mom with her big blue eyes and _damn it_ Cris knows she is always going to have a hard time denying her things, so she just smiles and gives the both of them warning, “Yes, baby girl, it’s fine, but not too high, okay?” Joana knows the last part is directed at her, “I won’t put her in any danger ever, Cris, I promise”.

Cris nods, “I know you won’t.” And suddenly Joana is being pulled by a three-year-old little girl and Cris is laughing at her daughter’s excitement and happiness.

She has a few moments to reminisce while Joana and her daughter are playing together. Cris really didn’t think she would ever see Joana again, so this still feels a bit like a dream. Like a hallucination that she is having for missing Joana too much. Their relationship was the most sacred thing Cris ever had in her life until Sofía came along; the only thing that made her life truly worth living and that gave her a purpose – to love and care for Joana as much as she could. Seeing her there, in front of her, playing with Sofía, feels surreal, but Cris has never been more thankful in her life. She smiles when Sofía’s ecstatic screams reach her ears and she smiles at Joana, who smiles back at her and _Jesus Christ_ the butterflies are still all there. She wonders if Joana feels the same way.

It is not long until Sofía gets hungry and wants to stop playing to eat. They have an old-fashioned picnic under a tree; towel, basket, food and drinks, as well as a few blankets where they could sit, included. Joana and Cris are sitting cross-legged, face to face, Joana leaning against the tree while Sofía still ran around a bit after finishing her sandwich.

The exhaustion of spending her whole day running around and playing with Joana and Cris, catches up to Sofía and she completely knocks out asleep on Joana’s lap. She appeared to have taken a very serious liking to Joana and that warmed Cristina’s heart. However, it left her a bit worried, because she did not know how long Joana was staying or if she wanted to keep hanging out with them, they hadn’t talked about it yet. She clears her head of those thoughts and just looks at the two most important persons in her life, all cuddled up against that gigantic tree, Sofía sleeping peacefully.

She smiles, “You know my parents wanted me to give her up?” Joana looks up, still caressing Sofía’s tiny face ever so softly, and Cris takes her action as a signal to elaborate, “They said it would ruin my education and my life in general, that I was already enough of a fuck up. They were adamant that I gave up her for adoption; even looked into a few adoption programs. I didn’t want to, I never did, and as soon as she was born, I knew I couldn’t give her to someone else. She was mine and I loved every bit of her.”

Joana looks down at the sleeping girl and then back at Cris, “I wouldn’t be able to give her up as well. You did good, Cris. You were never a fuck up. I’m glad you fought for her”.

Cris has tears in her eyes, remembering everything she went through from the moment she knew she was pregnant at 18, “She didn’t ruin my life. She made it harder yes, fuck yes, but she made me so much stronger. I finished high school while I was still pregnant, with the help of the girls, and I was able to go to online college for a while after she was born and then actual college and I graduated. I have a bachelor’s degree in Psychology.”

Joana was surprised. They led their lives and their relationship minute by minute just like Cris had suggested, so they never really worried about what would come next. She knew Cris would like to go to college but that she didn’t know what she wanted to do with her life and that she didn’t think she was capable enough for it, but Joana always knew she could do anything she set her mind to. Her thoughts were interrupted by Cris speaking again, “I raised her while I was working and studying and I’ve never been prouder of me. My parents eventually came around and they love her and spoil her endlessly. And she’s the smartest little girl ever and thankfully doesn’t look a bit like him.” _Him_ was still a sour subject for Cris, it would probably always be and they both knew that.

“She is your spitting image. I almost died the first time I saw her because she reminded me of you so much,” Joana laughs, trying to lighten up the mood, while Cris giggles and that sound just fills Joana with happiness because she hadn’t heard it in so long, but this was a time where Cris was pouring her heart out and Joana wanted to know everything that Cris would allow her to know, “Was he ever caught?”

Cris nodded and relief overcame Joana, “He got deported and is doing jail time back where he lives, somewhere in eastern Europe, I couldn’t bother to know which country”

“I’m glad you won’t ever have to deal with that asshole again. I would fuck him up if I ever laid eyes on him.” Cris knows that Joana would be capable of anything to protect her, she had been sure of that when they were dating and she clearly hadn’t changed her mind. They stayed silent for a few minutes, just enjoying each other’s presence and listening to the birds chirping around them.

“Cris,” Joana starts fearfully, softly looking at Cris, trying to focus enough on what she is saying without getting lost in the girl’s blue eyes when she looks at her, “I don’t know if my mind betrayed me or if I was just wishfully thinking… but…” Joana stopped, taking a deep breath. This should not be this hard and she was not even sure she heard right.

“Yes?” Cris being her understanding self almost demotes her from asking what she was about to ask and killing their happy mood, but Joana needs to know.

“Hm, what is Sofía’s full name?

“Oh, so you heard.” Cris’ face turns bright red and _damn_ , Joana had really missed it so much; but she can’t even focus on that, because Cristina’s reaction makes her aware that she was right. “I think I did yes, but can you confirm?”

Cristina takes a deep breath, she knew this would come up eventually, might as well get it over with, “Her name is Joana Sofía Soto Bianchi”. Joana doesn’t really understand the feeling that overcomes her, but her heart warms and there’s butterflies in her stomach and tears in her eyes but she wants to throw up and feels a bit dizzy at the same time. She collects herself and sees Cris eyeing her attentively; most likely to try to figure out what is going through Joana’s mind.

“Why did you name her that?”

Cristina looks down, her hands suddenly far more interesting than anything else around her, “Well, I-. Hm, well…” she takes a deep breath, trying to control her crazy heartbeat and the urge to just flee the scene, and continues, “Uh- Before you, I didn’t think about having kids and I think I didn’t even want to have them, like ever. But then you came along and sometimes, even though we never spoke of it, the thought of tiny black-haired humans with crooked smiles and warm brown eyes crossed my mind.” She shrugs, not really knowing what else to say.

“So you thought of having children with me?” Joana smiles softly, because in reality, before Cris she couldn’t see herself even reaching her eighteenth birthday, but soon after Cris had told her she would never run away, she began thinking of a life with her, of them having children and growing old together, no matter what life threw at them. Hearing this come from Cris made her heart swell. She already liked that little girl as if she were her own, simply because she was a part of Cris.

“Yes, well, after we graduated and got married and all of that,” she says as if it was no big deal, as if both her heart and Joana’s didn’t pick up their pace with just the thought of getting to live that life.

“So you named her that because…” Cris knew Joana too well to know she was looking for confirmation and reassurance that Sofía’s name had everything to do with her, so she cuts to the chase, no better time than now to tell her what she truly felt back when Sofía was born.

“Because I wanted her to be ours. To be our child. And as crazy as it might seem, in my mind she is,” that’s the first time that Cris said that out loud. Of course, people around her knew, or suspected that it was that, but she never said it. To anyone. Not even Amira. “She knows who you are, there’s pictures of you and me in our place and her favorite bed time story is the one of how the two princesses fell in love while attending princess school,” Joana doesn’t know if she should cry or smile because she is overcome with emotion, but she doesn’t say anything and Cris continues, “I actually never thought I’d see you again, to be honest. I thought you would go on with your life and not return, so it would not really affect you or anything, but it would bring me some kind of closure? I don’t know. My reasoning was very affected at that time, but I don’t regret it one bit.” She says, while looking at her daughter, smiling, abruptly freezing when she realizes how Joana must think she is completely insane, “Uh, but I can change her name if you want; I know there’s a way-”

A hand to her lips makes her stop dead in her tracks, “No. Don’t you dare change her name!” The certainty in Joana’s low voice startles Cris. She actually thought Joana would freak out and think she was nuts and that she would demand Sofía to get the ‘Bianchi’ taken out of her name if she ever found out, but Joana kept surprising her, just like she did every day, five years before.

“I know we still have a lot to talk about, I know we have _so much_ stuff to sort out. And I’m aware of how much everything has changed, but my heart still fully belongs to you, I’m here to stay and I already love this little girl so much, Cris.”

Cris feels like fainting at the same time that she wants to jump around clapping and pirouetting, because the only person she has ever loved still loves her and her daughter and her life couldn’t be much better than at that point. There’s tears in Cris’ eyes and Joana is sent back to a time where she went to a party to apologize for lashing out on Cris, a time when Cris looked at her with tears in her eyes and a soft smile filled with adoration, when she had kissed her because words were not enough to convey what they were both feeling.

She knows everything will be okay between them when Cris gets up from her place opposite to her, just to get closer to both her and Sofía, sitting on the right side of Joana, gently grabbing Sofía’s legs and putting them over her own. Joana lifts her arm and tentatively wraps it around Cris’ middle back, making the blonde girl snuggle closer to her, sighing peacefully, while looking at her daughter. Well, _their_ daughter, in a way. “Never let go of me again, Joana.” The raven-haired woman softly kisses the top of Cris’ head, while pulling a still sleeping Sofía closer to her chest, “I won’t”.


	4. Thank You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> shout out to my twitter mutuals and to my two tugas that read this shit and put up with me. 
> 
> for legal reasons, this fic is a joke and unfortunately i don't own skam spain.

Joana Bianchi is _fucking tired_ , she knows and feels as much when she reaches the door to her apartment building and the reality of having to climb one flight of stairs is enough to make her want to cry. It’s nearing 9 p.m., it’s raining, she’s a bit drenched to be honest and she had been studying and sketching the entire afternoon, barely being able to stop and send her girlfriend a few texts to let her know she was alive, that she would get home later but that she would bring dinner for them. She passed by a Five Guys in Gran Vía and bought a couple of unhealthy foods for them but she didn’t care at that point. Finals week was coming up and she was completely exhausted and in a clear need for comfort food.

She climbs the flight of stairs, clearly slower than she ever climbed it and finally reaches her apartment door. She knows Cris is already home, because she left work early and she didn’t have any more classes of her master’s today. She opens the door, removes her jacket, hangs it and goes to call out for Cris to tell her she’s home and comes bearing dinner, still warm, when her eyes set on the couch and her she freezes.

Cristina is laying on the couch, sound asleep, her mouth a little open – and Joana smiles at that – but the best part is that on top of her, also asleep is one of the reasons that she’s been _so_ _happy_ lately. Sofía is laying on her mom, chest down and holding meshes of Cris’ blonde hair, clearly for comfort, while Cris’ left arm is wrapped protectively around the little girl to stop her from falling.

They hadn’t been living together for long, Joana having moved in about a month ago, three months after they had reconnected when Joana came back from Argentina, so she’d never gotten to witness this scene before. Where Cris and her daughter – _their_ daughter – look so peaceful and the cutest she’s ever seen them. Never in her wildest dreams had she thought that she would be able to get home to her little family and having her girlfriend and their child in this position.

Never did she think that she would ever be able to feel the amount of happiness that filled her in that exact moment. Teenager Joana could never dream she would even get past her 17th birthday but that all changed when she met Cris. She finally had a strong reason to live and she would do it for the blonde girl, for both blonde girls, actually. Her having to leave for Argentina after a year and breaking up with Cris made her, once again, think she wouldn’t reach another birthday, and she almost didn’t. But right now, in this moment, she wants to smack young Joana in the head, because she would’ve missed out on all of this, and Joana can’t even begin to describe how grateful she feels for still being here, for seeing more birthdays and for finding her way back to Cris. She thought she couldn’t be happier than after when her and Cris got back together.

_They’re back to their place at the park. The place where they had their biggest fights but also the place where they made their best memories so far. Joana had asked Cris to be her girlfriend there. Cris had said yes to being Joana’s girlfriend there. They had scheduled weekends away and vacations. They even had studied and worked on their projects there. So that place meant everything to them and that was why Joana wanted them to meet there. It had been about two weeks since the day they spent at the park with Sofía and where Joana had promised she wouldn’t let go of Cris ever again. But things had stayed like that, because Cris had night classes and still had to drop Sofía off at her parents. And Joana still regrets having said goodbye with only a hug and a forehead kiss._

_So there they were, at their park and she had planned everything in her head, she really had, but her brain stopped working the moment Cris intertwined their fingers as they were walking side by side, passing under the bridge. Joana hyperventilates and she swears she can see a smirk come to life on Cris’ mouth. She abruptly stops and Cris is suddenly confused, scared she had read everything wrong and she immediately tries to untangle their hands, only to be stopped by Joana’s tight grip on her hand. She looks curiously at Joana and the raven-haired girl takes a deep breath. “Fuck, I had it all planned out in my head. I swear I did. But I just can’t function properly and I don’t know how to do this and I am fucking terrified of rushing and I’m not even sure if this is something you want even though I’m positive I do, and I would understand if you didn’t, you have every-” She is interrupted mid-sentence and once again feels like she’s in a movie, because Cris’ lips are on hers after five years and her whole world stops again. Her brain short-circuits and has a life of its own, because she doesn’t recall telling it to kiss Cris back, but thankfully it makes her do that and more, as her hand lets go of Cris’ just so that she can held Cris’ face in her hands, one hand on each side and her thumbs caress her face, and she remembers when she did this exact thing for the first time after Cris had forgiven her. Cris’ hands are around her waist and pull her in closer and Joana feels all the butterflies going wild, and she can tell Cris feels the same way because she smiles into the kiss, making Joana mimic her action. She had her girl back and she was sure happiness had never been this great._

But she was clearly wrong and the thought alone makes her want to cry. Her eyes are watering while she sets the food on the small table next to the door because she’s feeling a little light-headed and weak – both from the tiredness and the overwhelming feeling that overcame her. A tear falls and her hand goes to her mouth to prevent her sob from being heard, but clearly she wasn’t successful and with the way Cris’ became a light sleeper after Sofía was born, she instantly wakes up, startled but not enough to forget that her daughter is laying on her. “Joana?”

She turns her head to the door and her eyes widen as soon as she sees the tears falling from Joana’s eyes. She instantly gets up, carefully to not wake Sofía up and with the little girl still asleep in her arms she walks to Joana. “Baby, what’s wrong? Why are you crying, Joana?”

Joana is so caught up in her emotions that she can’t speak but she tries a smile to calm Cris’ worry. It apparently works, because the frown leaves her girlfriend’s face. “Is this a happy crying?” Cris asks and as Joana nods, a smile mirroring hers appears on the blonde’s face. “Okay, baby. Let’s sit for a bit, while you try to calm yourself and sort out your feelings, yes?” Joana nods and follows Cris and Sofía towards the couch the blondes were previously sleeping on.

They sat and Cristina adjusts Sofía on her lap to make the little girl more comfortable. She’s looking at her daughter when she sees Joana’s hand going towards the little girl’s hair that was on her face and sees Joana remove it and put it behind her tiny ear, caressing her face softly with her thumb, something Cris had come to realize was one of Joana’s favorite things to do to their daughter. She looks up and Joana is looking back at her, her eyes still watery but her tears having subsided. Cris lifts her hand and cleans some of the tears that were still on Joana’s face. Joana closes her eyes and takes a deep breath, removing her hand from Sofía’s face and reaching for Cris’ hand, intertwining their fingers. Joana seems calm enough when Cris speaks, “Are you better? What happened?”

Joana takes another deep breath before answering, “Hm, getting home. To a place that’s mine. And yours. Actually, ours, and then being blessed with the sight of you two sleeping so peacefully, and realizing that this is my life now. That you guys are mine and that I get to live with you, like I had imagined since we got together. That I’m actually living a happy life when back then everything seemed so dark, so sad, so confusing. And now it’s bright, it’s happy and I’m not confused by anything except for the fact that I can feel all these things I thought were basically myths. It just dawned on me. That this is no longer a dream that I buried when I left for Argentina. And… I don’t know. I’m just too happy”. She shrugs looking at Sofía and missing the fact that Cris’ eyes are filled with tears now.

“You don’t know how happy you make me, Joana Bianchi. And I’m so glad that you feel like this now. You deserve nothing less.” Joana looks at her with a smile that still makes the butterflies in her stomach go crazy and she sighs happily leaning forward to press her lips to Joana’s. Sofía feels commotion around her and finally wakes up, rubbing her right eye slowly until she realizes Joana is in the room. “You’re back!” she says before really looking at Joana and finally seeing her watering eyes and the tear streaks on her face. She immediately jumps from Cris’ lap to Joana and puts her tiny hands on each side of her face, making Joana look at her, “No crying, mommy. No sad!” And that’s probably the most confusing Sofía has felt, because suddenly both her mommy and her mamá are crying harder and she doesn’t understand why.

“No, please stop tears”. She asks, clearly not realizing that they were both crying of happiness. Cris is the one to explain, “Baby, it’s happy tears. These are nice tears. Happy. Mamá and Joana are happy right now, okay?” She is looking at Cris while she talks and she nods, finally understanding.

She turns to Joana and hugs her tight and Joana feels like she could burst because she has never felt this happy and doesn’t think she could, but it turns she is wrong, “No Joana. Mommy. She’s mommy,” Is what Sofía says while still hugging Joana. She breaks the hug and looks at Joana, “Mommy, yes?” Joana smiles at her and nods. “Yes, baby. I’m mommy.” The little girl claps happily and reaches for both her moms, embracing them with her tiny arms and they side-hug her back, tightly.

Joana looks at Cris who is looking back at her in adoration, “Thank you”, Joana mouths. “I love you.” Cris mouths back.


End file.
